Managing Our Emotions

All of us have said things that we regretted later on in our moment of emotional outbursts. We say nasty things that we don’t really mean. Sometimes the damage is reversible. Other times, the bridge is burned and friendships are lost forever.

Renowned psychologist, Dr Rob Yeung in his book ‘Confidence – The Power to Take Control and Live the Life You Want’ suggested the FAÇADe technique to manage our emotions (such as anger, lack of confidence, shame) better. He suggested that when we are stuck in our emotional ‘hole’, pick up a pen and paper and go through the FACADe technique below;

Feelings – After we have calmed down, list the emotions that we are experiencing at the moment such as anger, anxiety, shame, despair, etc. Give each feeling a score from 0 to 10 depending on how strong we feel it.

Actions - Write down how our behavior changed because of the feelings that we feel. For example, when we feel angry, we may want to confront the person and give him a piece of our mind or when we feel despair, we want to go and finish that extra-large ice-cream in the refrigerator.

Circumstances – Describe the situations or circumstances that trigger our feelings. It could be something that we remember from the past, things that are happening now or our anticipation of the future. It could also be an event or someone. Write down anything that make us upset.

ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) – Next, write down the thoughts and beliefs that popped into our mind when we feel the emotions. What are the dialogues that we say to ourselves at that moment? Do we say, “I am hopeless”, “They must think that I am a loser”, “What an idiot!”, etc?

Defects – Lastly, search for the flaws or defects in our thoughts. Re-look at the ANTs above and rate how far we actually believe them to be true. Use the 0-10 scale. Think of constructive and compassionate thoughts to challenge the ANTs. If our ANTs says that we are not good in public speaking, we can challenge it by saying “All good public speakers start as bad public speakers first”.

I must admit that it took me a while to get used to this FACADe technique. However, after a few sessions, it becomes easier and has helped me to reframe and relook at my emotions from a different angle. So, the next time you are in your emotional ‘hole’, use this technique and you will be surprised at the results.